**Trigger warning — this article discusses sexual assault & rape**
After an experience I had last year, one that is all too common for women, rage has been bubbling beneath the surface just waiting to erupt. But being a woman and not wanting to appear “crazy” or “too emotional” I kept pushing it down telling myself to “get over it”. And trying to logic my way out of feeling the anger and pain associated with having been sexually assaulted, and all the other disheartening realities that rose to the surface about being a woman living in a patriarchal society. The truth is, this is not a story I wanted to tell. It’s not even one I wanted to acknowledge as my own. But the more I pushed it away, the more clear it became that I had to create space for this story to be seen, heard, and given a voice. Not only for myself, but for anyone else who has ever experienced sexual assault and felt like they didn’t have a voice, shamed themselves for their experience, or felt like they did something “wrong”. And we can’t talk about sexual assault and rape culture without also talking about the patriarchy, because it impacts EVERYTHING. We all have internalized patriarchy and misogyny, whether you’re aware of it or not — myself included. And it’s especially important to address when we talk about sexual assault. Dismantling your inner patriarchy and misogyny is a topic I frequently discuss with my friends and on my podcast #relatable, but I never imagined I would be openly sharing about my experience with sexual assault and how my own internalized patriarchy and misogyny left me feeling betrayed.
But here we are. Hi, welcome, thanks for being here and seeing me. And if this is something you’ve experienced, know that I see you too.
If you know me IRL, you know that I am an open book about most things, I don’t do surface level shit, and I love to go deep with people into the nitty gritty of life. But I have felt SO much shame around this, that I couldn’t even call it what it was, an assault, for many months. And up until this point, only a handful of trusted friends even know that I was sexually assaulted, because I have been terrified to speak about it. Because speaking about it would make it real, as if it wasn’t real enough already…and it would open me up to the scrutiny of others and their own internalized patriarchy and misogyny. Fear of being shamed, judged, or made wrong in my experience by others robbed me of my voice and kept me silent. Because we live in a society of victim shaming and blaming where we ask women what more they could have done to prevent being assaulted, rather than teaching men not to rape, because “bOyS wiLL bE bOyS”. It’s an absolute load of bullshit, and is a direct example of how we uphold the patriarchal system.
If you’ve ever had even the glimmer of a thought wondering what a woman was wearing, or whether or not she was drunk, or if she was walking home late at night alone when she was assaulted — this is your own internalized patriarchal conditioning. No shame, we all have it. But it’s time to change our inner dialogue in order to change our society's narrative. And for those of us who have been victim of sexual assault, it’s time for us to reclaim our voice and power — which is exactly what I am doing here for myself and hopefully inspiring you to do the same in whatever way feels good and safe for you to do so.
In a recent healing session, while connecting with my sacral — my womb space — where much of my trauma is held, it came through loud and clear that it is time for me to give full recognition to my experience, while also holding compassion in my heart for myself. Two things I know are key for my healing are self-validating my experience, and self-compassion. I won’t lie, as I write this I am afraid. Afraid that I won’t say the right thing, and afraid of what people will think and say. But bigger than my fear, is my anger. Anger at the man who did this to me, anger at society for upholding systems that silence and shame victims, and that question the person who was assaulted rather than the person who committed the assault. And that anger is sacred fuel that has been bubbling beneath the surface for months, scratch that, lifetimes, waiting to be expressed, to no longer be silenced. And so I am sharing that sacred anger to liberate my past self, my current self, and my future self — and anyone else who needs it.
Five years ago, patriarchy wasn’t a word I was super familiar with. I was living with an amazing group of people where phrases like “h8 the p8” and “smash the patriarchy” were often thrown around in conversation. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what the patriarchy was, and felt mildly embarrassed and uncomfortable. Feminism was something that I had been conditioned to believe was for “man hating”, “bitter”, “emotional” women. None of which I wanted to be identified as. Now I can clearly see how that narrative is straight from the mouth of the patriarchy, pitting people against strong women who believe in equality to benefit and uphold the patriarchy. And it makes me want to RAGE STOMP! Now that I have a deeper understanding and awareness of the patriarchal system we live in, I see examples of how it perpetuates false narratives to minimize, silence, and “other” women and marginalized communities ALL. THE. TIME. Robbing us of our expression and our voice, and making us wrong in our experiences.
I witnessed this first hand in how I reacted to MY OWN ASSAULT. My internalized patriarchal conditioning wouldn’t even allow me to call it what it was for MONTHS and I still battle with it today. I protected my attacker and gaslit myself HARD. Thoughts raced around my mind wondering what more I could have done to prevent it, when the truth is, there was nothing more I could have done, and nothing more I should have had to do. I did everything “right” and yet I still questioned myself and my experience.
Thoughts ran through my mind like…
“I should have said no (again).”
“I should have pushed him away.”
“Was it even assault because I didn’t do those things?”
“Does it even count if it’s someone I KNOW?!”
“How could I let this happen?”
And thoughts of…
“How could I let him get off so easy?”
“Why didn’t I rake him over the coals & put him on blast?”
“Why am I protecting him?”
“What is wrong with me?!”
The truth is, the experience left me in a trauma response, and you cannot think or communicate clearly in that state of survival. And our victim shaming culture around rape and sexual assault had me scared I wouldn’t be believed, would be made wrong, or would make things awkward or uncomfortable for others. So I kept quiet out of self-preservation, to keep myself safe. Maybe you can relate, and if so, I’m so sorry for your experience — know that I see you, for I am you, and I am writing this for you as much as for me.
We know that it’s not all men that are sexually violent, but it is ALL women that experience sexual violence. Every single woman I know has been sexually harassed, assaulted, or raped at one time or another in their life. And this has been happening for centuries. While we have come a long way toward women’s equality, we are still being seen as something that men have domain over and can take what they want from us when they want it. This experience has made me acutely aware of all the times I have experienced sexual harassment or assault in my life. In my 31 years I have been cat called, had my ass slapped walking down the halls of my high school, had my chest groped, had a man finger me on the dance floor at the club, had my drink roofied, and been raped. And these are not isolated incidents, it is so unbearably common among women. Every single time I tell a woman even part of my story I am met with a “me too”, or them sharing with me an experience where they have been sexually harassed or assaulted, and the shame that goes along with it. This should not have to be a part of our story, there is never an invitation for rape, sexual assault, or harassment. No matter how you are dressed, where you are, or what substances you’ve consumed — nothing gives another person the right to your body, ever. And yet we are seeing this upheld in society not only by the way we think and speak about rape and sexual assault, but straight up in government legislation; like the recent (March 2021) ruling in Minnesota where it was ruled that if a sexual assault victim got drunk on their own volition at the time of the assault it wouldn’t fit the designation for a rape charge. Read that again.
This is why it is crucial for each and everyone of us to do the work to dismantle our own internalized patriarchy and misogyny, and to be teaching men not to see women as something that is purely for their enjoyment. We are not something to be conquered. We are sovereign beings who deserve respect and deserve to feel safe in our experience, no matter what. When we witness and work to dismantle our own conditioning, we change our inner dialogue, which changes how we show up in the world and the conversations we have with others. This could look like calling out harmful language or behaviour including misogynist comments, sexist jokes, victim blaming, or objectification — whether it be in a friend, family member, or even someone you don’t know. Having conversations about women’s safety and consent with the men in your life and educating your sons. Protesting legislation that invalidates women’s experiences and revokes agency over our own bodies. Or asking the women in your life how you can be a better advocate and support for them, and being truly invested in our safety.
The key is we ALL have to do our part in having these conversations and calling out troubling behaviour. It is going to take all of us committing to this work to change the structure of the society we live in. And it begins with each of us witnessing, questioning, and choosing to dismantle our own inner patriarchy and misogyny. What’s one step you can take today to change the narrative around women’s equality, sexual assault and harassment — whether it’s your own inner dialogue or in conversation with another?
**If you have experienced a sexual assault and require care please contact
your local health authority**
Additional Resources:
CanadianWomen.Org
Planned Parenthood
Rape Victims Support Network
Victoria Sexual Assault Centre